i am penning these beautiful memories down so that my 'preg-nesia' (pregnancy induced amnesia) will not unconciously erase them away; they are priceless gifts from some dear people close to my heart ... some, i will never see again. There are some days during my pregnancy that has been so exhausting & painful that just simply made me extremely resentful of the condition I am in i.e. pregnant. I am angry at being pregnant, mind you, and not at motherhood - i love my lil' buns. Of all the negativities that comes in a pregnancy package, I find that dealing with the waves of nauseous were the hardest. Sometimes I could easily lose count of the times I had bent over a sink or the bowl hurling out the meals I have had; oh gawd, I hated that feeling. Trust me, my diet has changed so much and been so restricting that till today I am officially sick & tired of eating - if I had it my way, I would rather not eat at all. What I truly want to say is this: on two occasions when my phobia for food got absolutely out of control, my ... how should I put it ... grandmother and auntie, who have passed on, came to visit me on two separate occasions. And these are the memories that I do not want to forget. I remembered the first time it happened when I was 9 weeks along. It was one of the worst week I ever had and I was walking around carrying a horrible after-thought that pregnancy must be some form of rude 'culture' shock. It didn't matter that everyone around said it was 'healthy' for an expectant mother to be vomitting. To me, I just want it to stop immediately because it was taking my soul away; cross my heart, it is true. Eating became such a chore. Leaving home became a pain (because I never knew when I am going to walk into a street/place and catch a whiff of bad food smell). I felt murderous whenever I had to think about "what do I want to eat?". During that period, I lost half of the weight I had gained since pregnancy and stopped gaining. Somewhere between giving up and hanging on, my grandmother came to me. Just like the old days, all of us were gathered at our grands' place. The uncles and aunties were packed into the kitchen and seated at the big round marble dinning table filled with marvelous homecooked food. As always, it was noisy and chatty ... the air was filled with laughters and endless conversations. I didn't have a seat so I was just standing around and enjoying myself. My dear grandmother was seated at the opposite end from where I stood. She looked at me and smiled ... and it made me warm all over ... like sun rays hitting on a bed of daisies. She reached for a plate which had food wrapped in a bag of aluminium foil and began to open it. Out of curiousity, I walked over and took a peek at what's inside - big huge Siu Mai! It was almost the size of a decent Char Siu Bun! With her chopsticks, she picked up the biggest Siu Mai and told me to eat. She said I needed to eat and I needed to eat more, in dialect. I looked at the her and gave her a smile. I told her I understood what she meant and I would try my best. For the record, she has never made Siu Mai before and Siu Mai isn't on the list of my favorite food (I feel that it contains too much meat in a single wrap!). I do not know why the encounter transpired as such but I do know that it brought me much comfort and encouragement at a time of need. When I woke up the next morning, I had to cry a little because it had been such a long time since my grandmother came to visit (she does come once in a blue moon) and the nature of the visit was so angelic. The 2nd occasion was set in a different place which I recalled as it being in the form of my eldest sister's house warming (really queer, though). I cannot remember when it happened but it must be sometime along 12 to 15 weeks. Similarly, I had problems keeping food down and my throat was getting really sore from all the vomitting. What's worse, my gums were starting to bleed and my teeth were turning yellow from the constant purging of food. I was frustrated because I was in no condition to see a dentist - even brushing my teeth can induce vomitting so how on earth was I to survive a dental visit?! There were times when I gagged on using mouth wash. Whatever it was ... I felt like I was back at the edge of the cliff. I dreamt that I was at my sister's spanking new home which has a bright yellow interior. The party was much smaller but it was still happiness-all-around! Likewise, we were in her kitchen and seated at the table. I spotted a lady with a long ponytail sitting at a far end and wondered who she was. She turned around and gave me a big smile - it was my auntie. I was so amazed to see her that I got up immediately and walked over to her. She looked so beautiful in her long hair (which I told her!) and she never ever had her hair this long before. Not only that, she had such a glow and it was infectious. When she saw me by her side, she pointed to the table of food and told me to eat. Unlike my grandmother, she didn't pick any food for me but she simply insisted that I had to eat. I told her it was difficult and I do not like to eat anymore. She gently persuaded me to try and told me not give up because it will be alright soon. Because of my auntie's condition, when she was still with us, I had never held a conversation with her. When my grandmother passed on, she was worried about my auntie the most ... she couldn't bear to leave her behind. About a year later or so, when my auntie went away with her, we were not sad ... we knew it was inevitable. The thing that touched my heart the most was the simple fact that while the both of us never had a decent auntie-niece relationship, she made an effort to come round to give me assurance and affirmation. And she was right, a week later or so, as I moved into my 2nd trimester, the symptoms started to fade away (although the problems with brushing my teeth and mouth wash remains!). Recently, I had another episode with my grandmother. It was the seventh month and last week, during the 15th (lunar month), the festive burning started & my sinus spiralled out of control. Pregnancy does cause some ladies to experience sinus/nose issues which in my case ... was magnified and awful ... I started to snore because my nose is blocked most of the time *sheepish* I managed to survive the haze and occasional dusty place *thank gawd!* but somehow, I crashed and burned, too, when the burning started. I have sleeping issues on usual days - due to lil' buns' fussiness on my sleeping postures, constant pressure on my bladder and back aches, to add to that, when my nose is experiencing bad traffic jam, i can't breathe while lying down so i have to sleep inclined which was really uncomfortable ... sometimes, i do resort to sleeping in a sitting position. These days, i keep the curtains drawn so that i have the night sky to gaze at when i can't sleep. As it was, i was thoroughly exhausted and terribly sleep-derived ... my body was telling me that i needed sleep, seriously ... but i can't shut-down. On the 3rd night, I was up to my eyeballs from coping with all the nastiness and fuss whenever it's bedtime that i was ready to throw in the towel and just ... not sleep anymore. I do not recall the 'how' but in the end, somewhere during the process of day-dreaming, i did go to sleep and i dreamt of my grandmother. This time round, I dreamt that I was a little girl playing at the playground with many other kids. My grandmother, looking much younger, spotted me and walked over. She called out to me and said: "Ting, there you are!". As usual, I was extremely surprised to see her - like christmas came early! I waved back and cont'd playing with my friends. After some time, she told me it was time for her to go home. I was sad ... and heart broken ... I asked her to stay for a while longer but she shook her head and gently said no. It was then I held her hand and told her to bring me home with her so that i can stay with her. She smiled and spoke to me, in dialect: "I can't. We stay at different places. You can't go home with me. You have your own home to look after. Be good. Go back home." I refused and started to cry: "I rather go home with you. It is very tiring. I have enough!" Amazing, my grandmother laughed and looked down at me with a heart-warming expression on her face ... her eyes were twinkling with crinkled skin at both corners: "You have to. You have so much to do when you go back home. Don't be naughty. Everything will be okay. Don't worry." She let go of my hands and gave me one last smile. Before she left, I asked her if I will see her soon ... to that question, she gave me no reply. I woke up shortly after and the dream was still fresh in my head. Honestly, I have never thought of leaving it all behind and packing up ... perhaps, my soul was truly drained and there's nothing left in the fountain. I am thankful for such a wise grandmother who did not selfishly take me away and give in to my whims. Instead, she gave me a little push and told me to buck up. Every time I think of her, I will remember the last heart-to-heart talk we had at her house just a few months before she passed. She had a red packet in her hands and it was a gift to me. I told her that the occasion did not call for such a gift and so i rejected it - my visit to her, that afternoon, was purely because I have not seen her for a long time and there's no need for a grandmother to give her grandchild money "the child will be strike by thunder and lighting!". Her face fell and there were tears in her eyes ... she held my hands as she told me that her end is near and she won't live to see my 21st (the following year). In my head, I was thinking "oh, don't be silly!". I said to her that I would not accept such an excuse ... she has to be fair to me and be there for my 21st, or else, there was no way I would accept her gift ... I would rather not have it. Her prediction came true ... in January, before Chinese New Year, she passed on. It broke my heart completely. I held her hands then and having the luxury of doing it again ... is certainly priceless. All these cherished memories ... | 
